I Am Not Brave

I’m not writing here on my blog as much as I would like to. It’s been a difficult few weeks as the chemo seems to be taking more of a toll on me. My body is worn out from all the surgeries, chemo, radiation, and more over the past few years. It feels exhausting, and it is!

I had my third chemo treatment last week and it was an event, to say the least. First of all, when I got there, they informed me my son couldn’t come in with me. New restrictions and all that Where I get the treatments is quite a long way from my home. He ended up having to just sit in the waiting room and did go off to get us some lunch, but I felt bad for him. He’s always so kind about everything, though. The second thing that happened is I had allergic reaction to one of the chemo drugs. It wasn’t unexpected as that was one of the first warnings I had been given at the beginning of my first treatment. They said if I felt anything strange at all to let the nurse know.

Well, I think I was so distressed at not having my son with me, when I started feeling strange, instead of telling the nurse, I texted my son and asked if I should say anything! I know…goofy me. Of course, he texted back and said I needed to. I had itchy palms, coughing fits, shortness of breath and was flushed and starting to get hives. I mean, I can’t believe now that I even hesitated to say anything! They were immediately on top of it and got me out of the reaction pretty quickly. It has left me feeling quite shaky and my side effects have been worse. I wasn’t sure what the plan would be gong forward and my doctor was on vacation so I had no idea what would happen next.

I got a phone call today from his PA and she said they are going to give me the sister drug to the one I’m allergic to. I think the reason they decided to stay with the chemo treatment is because it’s been working! I got my CT scan done two weeks ago and it shows I have nothing suspicious in my abdomen and the cancer tumors in my lungs are smaller! Praise God! I really hate being on chemo, but if it works, then for me, it’s worth it. I also trust God to guide my steps in figuring how what to do and I trust His knowledge way more than I do my own or anyone else.

Thankfully, I’ve had days where I feel good enough to read and study my Bible. One book I’m reading right now is by David Jeremiah. It’s called A Bend In the Road.

This book focuses on Dr. Jeremiah’s journey through cancer but it’s so much more! It also shares the stories of other people who have come to a bend in the road and found themselves facing something they thought they would never imagined. The thing I love about this book, though, is the encouragement based on Scripture! I have highlighted this book so much, there’s barely any page showing through! I have also written down Scriptures and quotes that really spoke to me as I go through my own unwanted journey.

I know I have said this before, but it’s worth repeating. I could not go through this hard, hard journey I’m on with the peace, strength and assurance of Jesus. I had a friend tell me the other day that I was so brave. I am not brave – fa from it! Any bravery I have is from the Lord. I have neve been brave but the Lord has given me a strength that can only be from Him. I am so thankful!

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