God Beside Me

There’s been a lot going on here. I had my ct scan and was waiting to hear from my doctor. When I didn’t, I figured they were getting permission from my insurance company to do a pet scan. Imagine my shock when I went to my regular appointment with the NP, and to have my infusion, and be told the news I’m about to share with you.

The cancer is growing again. Very hard news to hear, especially when you aren’t expecting to hear it. I think the hardest part was I was by myself, and the nurse practitioner is less than sympathetic. I’ve been putting up with her because I thought II had to. I left there sick to my stomach and crying. I went home and straight into bed and fell asleep. I told no one that day about my diagnosis because I just couldn’t talk about it.

The next day I called my former doctor’s NP. I have her private number and she helped me so much. First of all, she told me I can refuse to see that nurse practitioner and they can’t force me. I told her about the new chemo they want me to do, and she said that is what my former doctor would have recommended as well. I also asked her whether they had ever heard from my insurance company regarding if I could continue to see my former doctor. She told me to hold off because the Cancer Center of America in that city (and possibly all cities?) is being bought out by City of Hope and she’s quite sure they take my insurance! Oh, dear friends, please be in prayer that this is so! I need to get back to my former doctor where I know I’m getting the best treatment and where they really care about me!

They had me go off the immune therapy right away as obviously it’s not working. I was looking forward to a couple weeks of feeling more normal and then I got a cold! Can you believe it? I’ve been fighting it for a week-and-a-half and I can tell I’m on the end of it, but still coughing a bit and a stuffy nose at times. It’s had me flat on my back for days so not fun. I am praying I’m completely over it by Wednesday as I start the new chemo on Thursday. and I can’t be sick and will have to postpone it. So, another prayer request, my friends!

I’m disappointed in this news, of course. It took me a few days to accept that the cancer was not responding to the therapy. However, once the initial shock wears off, I again, put my full trust in Jesus and know that God has this under control. I need to do my part in getting the right help, but I know that God is always, always standing before me, behind me, and beside me. He has me under His wing and I need not fear!

My youngest son has been my rock, seriously. He keeps me going and is there for me every step of the way. Because he’s always so even keeled, it keeps me calm and focused on trying to get well. He works at such a demanding job, but never puts me off. I feel guilty sometimes because I feel like he’s got so much on his plate with me being sick. He gets really upset with me when I say that. He said to me yesterday, “If I knew I would have to do this the rest of my life and that it was going to guarantee you being here, I would do it forever”. Oh, my heart! Of course, that made me cry. He truly is the hands and feet of God here on earth. I am so very blessed and thankful for him.

I’m not looking forward to chemo again. However, this one sounds like it won’t be quite as harsh on me as others. I have no idea whether I’ll be losing my hair again or any of that kind of stuff. I was more concerned about other side effects. The infusion will only be an hour compared to the 8-9 hours I used to have to endure. I do know this one can only be done just so many times in a lifetime so it’s probably harsh, as they all are.

I’m so grateful if you made it this far in reading this post. There’s lots more to tell but I tried to just hit on the important parts. Thank you for your prayers!